Category: indian funny jokes

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Choosing a wife

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’ s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don’t send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

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Good One Liner Jokes

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home devil
in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home economist in Bed.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads “We may
never piss this way again.”

Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!

Q: What’s the diff between mother wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying the other ensures you continue to do so.

Boss: I’ll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I’ll raise it to
6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say “Uh-huh” or “Yes dear” or “I’m sorry” ?

Pilot asking permission to land said, “Guess who?”
Controller switches the field lights off and replied, “Guess where!”

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Relationships (Jokes)

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went golfing.

************ ********* ********* ************ *** **

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

************ ************ *** ********* ********* **

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

************ ********* ********* ***** ********* ***

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Time for LAUGH….

*A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best
Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

* What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says “YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your
Friends.”

*If you do NOT have a Girl Friend – You are missing SOME thing in
your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend – You are missing EVERY thing in
your life.

* .

*When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you
from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness – Please
PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

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COLLECTION OF MY FUNNY SMS

1) AASMAN ME TUM HO,ZAMIN PE TUM HO,HAWA ME TUM HO,JAHA BHI DEKHO TUM HI TUM HO.

DOMEX WALI AUNTY SAHI KEHTI HAI

“KITAANU” HAR JAGAH HOTE HAI…..

2) Police ko body mili hai,
Kale Dant hai,
Ghosle jaise bal hai,
Shakal paglo vali hai,
Pair ulte hai,
Mujhe tumhari chinta ho rahi hai.
Zara mis cal to do,tasalli ho jayegi.

5) Jab ap paida hue, tab aakash se phul barse, apsharao ne nirtya kiya, ghi ke diye jalaye gaye or Brahmaji bole “Chalo chutkara mila,ab duniya wale
bhugtenge”..

6) Ye pyar bhi ajeeb hota hai,
Maa se ho to mamta,
Pita se ho to kartavya,
Bhai se ho to dharm,
Behen se ho to farz
or
Biwi se ho to

Sonu-Monu

Chotu-Pappu.

7) Jevan k kathin rasto pe kaun apka sath dega? mummy/papa.? Nahi husband/wife. ?Nahi frnds.?Nahi brother/sister. ?Nahi are bhai apki CHAPPAL Or kaun
???

8) Pyar kabhi na karna pardesi se
rote-2 naina thak jayenge.
Pyar karna hamesha padosi se
roz khidki se darshan ho jayenge

9) Ravan-Maai.. Bhiksha de do..
Lady-Yeh lo..
Ravn-Rekha paar karo
Lady cross d line
Ravan-Haha!
Me bhikshuk nahi RAVAN hu
Lady-hehe.Me bhi SEETA nahi kamvali hu..

10) IT tax Officer hass raha tha. Dusara: Kya huva? Pehla:Mallika sherawat ka ITreturn hai Dusara:tho? Pehla: Laundry ka bill 7 lakh bataya hai.

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Indian Jokes

A man walks into a barber shop and asks; “how much for a hair cut?” The barber said $12.50. The man asks; “and how much for a shave?” The barber said $1.50. The man then says SHAVE IT ALL.

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”

The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.” The Highways employee said, “I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, “Show him your card!!”

A woman sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.
After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as ‘Heaven’.

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santa strikes back

Santa: today I made a fool of water?
Banta: how did you do that?
Santa: I heated some water for a bath and bathed with cold water

——–

Santa: My wife is still scared of water
Banta: how come?
Santa: yesterday when i went home,
she was in the bath tub with the security guard!!

———-

Santa to his wife: darling, years ago u had a figure like coke bottle.
Jeeto: yes darling i still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it’s 1.5 ltr.

———–

banta: you cheated me.
shopkeeper: no, i sold a good radio to you.
banta: radio label shows made in japan but radio says this is all india
radio!

———–

nurse: congrats santa, you are a father.
santa: don’t tell my wife, i want to surprise her!
————

Everybody was angry with the hike in petrol prices
Santa: Sir, why are you so angry?
Sir: The petrol price is increasing day-by-day, this is not fair.
Santaji, you don’t look worried?
Santa: Why should i worry. For me it is the same price.
Sir: how come?
Santa: Earlier also i filled for Rs 100 now also i fill for rs 100!
Sir: ???????????

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COLLECTION OF MY FUNNY SMS

1) Go down to c my heart..

Dekha.
Kitna saaf hai mera DIL,
Bole to ekdam Aapke.

Dimag Ki tarah.

2) Santa-pehle me apni biwi ko BA krwaunga fir MA fir Phd krwaunga fir badiya si naukri dilwaunga. Banta- fir acha sa rishta dekh k uski shadi bhi krwa diyo

3) Ek admi aadi raat ko apni moti biwi se bola ki sisak sisak ke marna theek hai ya ek dum. BIWI – Ek dum. Aadmi -To apni dusri tang bhi mujh per rakh do.

4) MAFI NAMA:
Agar
meri
raat
ko
msgs
bhejne
ki
aadat
se
aap
pareshan
hai to
aap
apna
mobile
toilet me fek dena
NA RAHEGA BAS NA BAJEGI BASURI.

5) Chubby Cheeks,
Dimple Chin,
Browny Lips,
tiny eyes&
Rosy Tongue
Actually I ws pointing out d similarities b/w U & vodafone dog.
it’s gr8!
Are u twins?

6) Sabhi jungli janwaro ko suchit kiya jata he ki
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
AAP to aise padh rahe ho, jaise suchna aapke liye ho..

7) Science teacher:agar kisi ladki ko mirgi ka attack ho to use lambe time tak kiss karo isse wo thik ho jayegi. Student:par sir use attack kaise dilaya jaye?.

8) What is the diff. between dava & daru?
Ans: Dava is like girlfriend that comes with expiry date.
Daru is like WIFE, jitni PURANI hogi UTNA sir CHAD ke bolegi…

9) 1 admi ke paas 1 kauwa tha
wo bahut naram-mulayam tha
to aadmi uska naam kya rakhega ?
.@
:-C
:'(
🙂
😉
🙂
My-Crow-Soft !

10) Propose karne ka sher:

Kutta mar gaya rajaai mein,
Main paagal ho gaya teri judaai mein
Haathi nadi mein beh nahin sakta,Apun tere bina reh nahin sakta…

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Jokes

Jokes Corner

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card….

“Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying

… “Congratulations on your new location !'”

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking:

“What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money.

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, ” Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait A Minute!”

She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.”

She said, ” Yes, I promised.. I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

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Funny Thoughts On Exercise

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.

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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

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The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

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I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

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I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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Next humor: Going to Propose a Girl ?

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