Category: indian funny jokes

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment. “

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Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.

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Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh… that uh…..thingy
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again…
Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he’s not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

==========

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about
their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of
his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do
you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.

The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.

The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

Banta says, “Oh, about 8 to 10 feet.”

The boss says, “Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here – you’re no miner!”

On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.

The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?

Santa says, “Oh sure.”

The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

Santa says, “I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground. “

The boss says, “20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, “What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground? “

Santa says, “Oh, I didn’t need a light, I worked on the day shift!”

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

Jealous Husband

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video.

They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

*******

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?”

“274” was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday” replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”?

“Nine” says the third man.

“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that”?

“Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple,” says the third man. ” I knew that, both are wrong. So, just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

Deciding the days

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, “Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter ‘T’, to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don’t be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you.”

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, “Baby, I didn’t’ realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I’m sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter ‘T’ to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it’s still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs.”

***********

Old AGE !…..

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. “Then you use to bite my neck. “Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going ?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

********

You May Feel A Little Prick

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to
go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and
then washes his hands.

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and
says, “You must be a dentist”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes …how did you figure that out?”

The girl says, “Easy … you keep washing your hands.” One thing led to
another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, “You must
be a great dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist.

How did you figure that out?”

The girl says, “Easy… I didn’t feel a thing!”