Category: indian funny jokes

PROFESSOR
Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI
Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——-
CIRCUIT
Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU
Nehin.
CIRCUIT
To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——-

MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU
Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI
Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —
MAMU
Oye, maar gayay yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hai.
MAMU KA DOST
Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.

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MUNNA BHAI
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —–

PRINCIPAL
Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

MUNNA BHAI

Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

My friend Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack. “Doctor,” she
pleaded with her cardiologist, “you must keep me alive for the next two
years. I want to attend my first grandchild’s bar mitzvah.”

“We’ll try,” he replied compassionately.

In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage.
Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. “My granddaughter is to
be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding.”

“We’ll do our best,” he replied.

And my friend happily attended her granddaughter’ s wedding.

Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed
his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. “Doctor,” she
began, “I’m feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you:

Remember how you saw me through to my grandson’s bar mitzvah?”

“Yes.”

“And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter’ s wedding?”

“Yes.”

“Well, as you know I’ve just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just
bought myself a new mattress.”

“Yes?”

“It has a 20-year guarantee… “

The young man said to his sweetheart, “We’re going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets.”

The young girl said, “Why do we need three tickets?”
“They’re for your father, mother, and kid sister!”

A stunning blonde displayed her curves and sold a soft drink in a TV commercial. A wife looked at her stunning figure and said, “What do people see in her?”

The husband said, “I have no idea. Let me take a closer look!”

Bob: My wife drives like lightning
Ted: She drives fast?
Bob: No, she hits trees!

A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctor decides to
get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see
how many they discharge that day.

At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full
size door on a Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who
could open the door.

There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching a
clawing at the door and the handle.

The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who
remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he
watched his fellow patients.

Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today, the
doctors asked him why he wasn’t trying to open the door.

The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, “I’ve
got the key!”

This is nothing but the glory of GOD

I want a divorce
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A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

“I want the house,” he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, “I want the car, too,” but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she’s up to ninety mph. “All right,” he says, “I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.”

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.”

“Oh, really,” he says, “so what have you got?”

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, ” The airbag.”

1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called

“Saints”

But now they are called.. “IT professionals”

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker ‘ s T Shirt:

“If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off”

3.) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..

Love is always present.. Its just that,
One loves too much, And

the other loves too many,

4.) Employee:

Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!

BOSS:

Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

5.) Philosophy of life

At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as

GOD,

Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6.) What is a Fear?

Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!

7.) Useful

Someone has rightly said, “A fool can ask More questions that a wiseman cannot answer”

No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8.) Girl:
Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?

Shopkeeper:

Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says “To the only boy I ever loved.!”

Girl:

That ‘ s good, Give me 12 of them..!

9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: ” WE do have an… opening for you..! “

Applicant:

What is it?

Interviewer:

Its called the “door..!”

10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..

Drive Slowly, Don ‘ t kill our Employee…. . Leave them to us

After an international beer conference in London, all the world’s top
brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.

The Chairman of Budweiser says, “I’d like the most refreshing beer in
the world, ‘The King Of Beers’: give me a Budweiser.”

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .

The Chairman of Guiness says, “I’d like the only beer in the world worth
really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.”

The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ” I would like the world’s best beer,
drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.”

He gets it.

Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, “Just give me a Coke.”

The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.

The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, “Hey Vijay, how come
you aren’t drinking a Kingfisher?”

“Listen,” says Vijay Mallya, “If you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I”

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.” The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did.”

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services in England.

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend .

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says, “Look at your sign. It says, “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”

Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign.”

So Hamid looks up and Ahmed’s sign reads: “I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan “

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.
~~~~~~
Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
~~~~~~

Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter:Can’t you tell the difference by taste?
Customer:No, I can’t.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?
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Customer:Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter:That’ s all right sir, he won’t drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter: I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg.
Customer: Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer :Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter :I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller.
~~~~~~~~
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?
~~~~~~~