Rubbing = Putting
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’ The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’ The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.’ The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’ The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that and you didn’t put any money in the poor box!’ The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
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Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’ The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’ The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.’ The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’ The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’ The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
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Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’ Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’ Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’ Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’ ‘It is!’ ‘This is the Tax Department. Can you help us?’ ‘I can!’ ‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’ ‘I do!’ ‘Is he a member of your congregation? ‘ ‘He is!’ ‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’ ‘He will.’
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Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’ Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’ Man: ‘What sins?’ Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’ Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’ Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’ Man: ‘I’m 92 years old . . . I’m telling everybody!’
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Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. ‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover,’into the closet,’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. ‘Who are you?’ he asked him. ‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, ‘ said the exterminator. ‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked. ‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied. ‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!’
Category: indian funny jokes
Jokes
Killing English ……
Principal to student…” I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette… ? ”
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Class teacher once said :
” pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!”
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once hindi teacher said….”i’m going out of the world to america..”
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“..DON’T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK..”
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dont..laugh at the back benches…otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down…..
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it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said
” why is fan not oning” (ing form of on)
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teacher in a furious mood…
write down ur name and father of ur name!!
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“shhh… quiet… the principal is revolving around college”
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My manager started like this
“Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids”
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“I’ll illustrate what i have in my mind” said the professor and erased the board
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“will u hang that calender or else i’ll HANG MYSELF”
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LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ,” IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE”
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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us…
“My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter”
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Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
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“why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!”
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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..
“I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??
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Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..
“Keep quiet, the principal has passed away”
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Santa Banta Jokes
Teacher : santa, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Santa : You told me to do it without using tables.
An essay on a cricket match
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except our Santaji.
He wrote “DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!”
Biwi ko padhaunga
Santa : pehle me apni biwi ko BA karwaunga fir MA fir Phd karwaunga fir badiya si naukri dilwaunga.
Banta : fir acha sa rishta dekh k uski shaadi bhi krwa diyo
Santa frog
Cigarette
santa apne father k samne cigrate pi raha tha
Logon ne kaha ke aap apne father ke samne cigratte pi rahay ho?
Santa bola : Wo mera father hai, koi petrol pump thodi.
Imagine
Interviewer : Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it caught fire?
Santa : Simple, Stop imagining.
Santa fell out
Q: Why did Santa fall out the window ?
A: He was ironing the curtain
Brake fail
Santa : O Banno Car ki speed itani kyo badha di..?
Biwi : Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, accident ho jaye iske pehele ghar pahunch jaate hai.
Banta fell in love
Banta fell in love with a porno star and married her. He got an opportunity to watch one of her movie…. the Movie came to an End.
A bit disturbed and annoyed with what he saw, Banta told himself, “Thank God it was just a movie and not reality.”
Fighting
santa banta were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
santa : This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
santa: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.
Jokes 4 You
There was a millionaire who was bothered by severe eye pain.
He consulted so many physicians and was getting his treatment done. He did not stop consulting galaxy of medical experts; he consumed heavy loads of drugs and underwent hundreds of injections.
But the ache persisted with great vigour than before. At last a monk who has supposed to be an expert in treating such patients was called for by the millionaire.
The monk understood his problem and said that for sometime he should concentrate only on green colours and not to fall his eyes on any other colours.
The millionaire got together a group of painters and purchased barrels of green color and directed that every object his eye was likely to fall to be painted in green colour just as the monk had directed.
When the monk came to visit him after few days, the millionaire’ s servants ran with buckets of green paints and poured on him since he was in red dress, lest their master not see any other colour and his eye ache would come back.
Hearing this monk laughed said “If only you had purchased a pair of green spectacles, worth just a few rupees, you could have saved these walls and trees and pots and all other articles and also could have saved a large share of his fortune.
You cannot paint the world green.” Let us change our vision and the world will appear accordingly. It is foolish to shape the world, let us shape ourselves first.
Lets change our vision..!!
Beggars of today (Joke )
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50
“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.
“First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.
“Four,” the man replies.
“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”
Indian Joke
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”
BASTARD (Joke)
BASTARD
GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ……Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl’s top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl’s clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
serious sms and sayari
Aye Dil Ye Tu Ne Kaisa Rog Liya
Maine Apno Ko Bhula Key
Eik Ghair Ko Apna Man Liya!!!!
Har ek ka dil bahelaya,
Na mera hi dil bahelana aaya muje
Shabe gum mein bhi hasata raha,
Kaya karu, Fir bhi na rona aaya muje…
Machal Machal kar arman mere khud hi dafan ho jate hai,
Jis dhage ki mai janib hun,Are, Vo dhage hi kafan ho jate hai!!!
Mita de apni Husti ko Agar doh Martba Chahe…..
Ke Dana Khak may Milkar Gul-e-gulzar hota hay.
Pata nahi tha ki shayiri mein itna dum hein
Pata nahi tha ki shayiri mein itna dum hein,
har dil mein kahi chuppa hua gum hein
Rakibo ke sir galat ilzame bevafai hai,
Gairo ne to sirf hava di hai, Aag apano ne lagayi hai!!!
Pyaar toh kiya mainey bahut,
magar izhaar na karna aaya …
usney poocha toh mujhsey bahut,
magar ikraar na karna ayaa…
husn-o-jawani ho to har aik ko gharoor aata hai
tere bahar adaoon ko dekh kar hamain saroor aata hai
tujeh bahar kaha to iss leye kay har mosaam
shajar se rooth bhi jaye to lot kar zaroor aata hai.
funny jokes and sms
Ek ladka apne papa se,
Son:papa main kaise paida hua tha?
Father: Beta maine aur teri mammi ne mannaten mangi thi tb tum paida haye.
Son: Aur aap?
Father: Mere papa aur mammi ne bhi mannatein mangi thi.
Son: Achchha apne yahan ye chodne-vodne ka system nahin hai kya?????????
Ek bus mein ladko aur ladkiyo ki team bani
antakshari khelne ke liye.
Girls: Hum tumko harakar dikhayenge..
Boys: Hum haar gaye, chalo ab dikhao.
Q: Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A computer doesn”t laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.
Sali: Jija ji 500 rs. dedo, agley hafte doongi…
Jija: 1500 lele par abhi de..
A notice in a factory for girl workers.
“If your skirt is long, protect yourself from machines at work..
If it is short, protect yourself from men at work”
Make luv to ur galfriend on Valentine day.
She”ll give u gud news on Mothers` day n u”ll hv a child
on children`s day. Don”t try this on everybody.
U”ll hv bad news on Dec 1 (AIDS day)
A dentist was caught raping a girl. Next day headline,
“Dentist caught filling wrong cavity”.
Skin meets Skin
When is that
the skin meets skin,
hair meets hair
n balls disappear..
dirty mind
its when
u BLINK UR EYES
Which Part…
of a man”s body
has no bone
full of veins
loves pumping
and responsible 4
making LOVE!
ANSWER:
HEART!!! But i luv the way u think…