1980 के दशक में लड़की- माँ मैं जीन्स पहनूंगी…
मां- नहीं बेटी, लोग क्या कहेंगे?
2007 के दशक में लड़की- मां मैं मिनी स्कर्ट पहनूंगी…
मां- पहन ले बेटी… कुछ तो पहन ले!!!
डैड – बेटा,बताओ जान कहाँ से निकलती है ?
बेटा – खिड़की से…
डैड – वो कैसे ?
बेटा – कल दीदी एक लड़के से कह रही थी – “जान, खिड़की से निकल जाओ”.
संता: पिता के रूप में मुझे गर्व है कि मेरा पुत्र मेडिकल कॉलेज में है।
बंता: अरे वाह! वहां क्या पढ़ाई कर रहा है वह?
संता: वह पढ़ नहीं रहा है, वहां उसे पढ़ा जा रहा है।
हेड मास्टर: तुम्हारे सभी टीचर्स से मुझे तुम्हारी शिकायतें मिली हैं। क्या बात है, अख़िर तुम करते क्या हो?
संता: सर, मैं तो कुछ करता ही नहीं।
हेड मास्टर: एकदम ठीक! बस, यही तो शिकायत है।
संता: ओये, लडकी देख, कितनी सोनी है।
बता: मुझे तो उसका नाम भी पता है।
संता: क्या नाम है?
बंता: में बैंक गया था, वहां यह एक काउंटर पे बैठी थी, नेम प्लेट पे लिखा था चालू खाता
पत्नी – मैं मरने जा रही हूँ.
पति – ये लो Dairy Milk चॉकलेट !
पत्नी – क्यों ?
पति – खुशी के मौके पर ‘कुछ मीठा हो जाये’ … !!!
एक दुकान के बाहर लिखा था: ‘इन्सानों की तरह बात करने वाला कुत्ता बिकाऊ है.’
एक आदमी दुकानदार से जाकर बोला: ‘मैं उस कुत्ते को देखना चाहता हूं…’ दुकानदार ने कहा: ‘साथ के कमरे में बैठा है, जा कर मिल लो।’
ग्राहक उस कमरे में गया। कुर्सी पर एक हट्टा-कट्टा कुत्ता बैठा था. पूछा: ‘क्यों भई, तुम यहां क्या कर रहे हो?’
कुत्ते ने बताया: ‘कर तो मैं बहुत कुछ सकता हूं, लेकिन आजकल इस दुकान की रखवाली करता हूं. इससे पहले अमेरिका के जासूसी महकमे में काम करता था और कई खूंखार आतंकवादियों को पकड़वाया… फिर मैं इंग्लैंड चला गया जहां पुलिस के लिए मुखबरी करता था. एक साल बाद यहां आ गया.’उस आदमी ने दुकानदार से पूछा: ‘इतने गुणवान कुत्ते को आप बेचना क्यों चाहते हैं?’
‘अव्वल नम्बर का झूठा है…’ जवाब मिला.
Laloo rushed home angrily.
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she
passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to
classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, ‘Good
morning sisters.’
The novices replied, ‘Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
you.’ But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the
other, ‘I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this
morning.’ This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue
the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the
Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She
greeted them with, ‘Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may
God give you wisdom for our students today.’
‘Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.’
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, ‘She got out of
the wrong side of bed today.’ Baffled, she started to wonder if she
had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed
to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
approaching, step by step, with her walker. Mother Superior had plenty
of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting
Sister Mary. ‘Good morning, Sister Mary. I’m so happy to see you up
and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a
wonderful day.’
‘Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on
the wrong side of the bed this morning.’ Mother Superior was floored!
‘Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but
three times already today, people have said that about me.’
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the
face. ‘Oh, don’t take it personal, Mother Superior. It’s just that
you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers.
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’ s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don’t send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world
जब कोई ख्याल दिल से टकराता है ॥
दिल ना चाह कर भी, खामोश रह जाता है ॥
कोई सब कुछ कहकर, प्यार जताता है॥
कोई कुछ ना कहकर भी, सब बोल जाता है ॥
याददा6त
एक वृद्ध दंपति को लगने लगा कि उनकी याददा6त कमजोर हो चली है। यह सुनि6चित करने के लिये कि उन्हें कुछ नहीं हुआ है, वे डॉक्टर के पास गये।
डॉक्टर ने बारीकी से उनका परीक्षण किया और बताया कि उन्हें कोई बीमारी नहीं है। बुढ़ापे में इस तरह के लक्षण स्वाभाविक हैं। उसने उन्हें महत्वपूर्ण कार्यों को लिखकर रखने की सलाह दी ताकि वे कोई जरूरी काम न भूलें।
वृद्ध दंपति ने डॉक्टर का धन्यवाद किया और घर चले गये। उस रात को टीवी देखते समय पति उठकर कहीं जाने लगा तो पत्नी ने पूछा – ”कहां जा रहे हो ?” उसने जवाब दिया – ”रसोईघर में”। ”मेरे लिये एक कप चाय लाओगे ?” – पत्नी ने कहा। ”ठीक है, ले आऊंगा।” ”मेरे खयाल से तुम इसे नोट कर लो नहीं तो भूल जाओगे।” पत्नी ने कहा। ”नहीं भूलूंगा, प्रिय” – पति ने जवाब दिया। ”ठीक है, मेरे लिये कुछ खाने को भ्आना। जैसे अालू चिप्स” । ”ठीक है , ले आऊंगा।” ”मुझे लगता है तुम लिख लेते तो ठीक था। कहीं भूल न जाओ।” पत्नी ने फिर आग्रह किया। ”नहीं भूलूंगा प्रिय । मुझे तुम्हारे लिये एक कप चाय और आलू चिप्सहै । ठीक है ऌतना तो मैं याद रख ही सकता हूं। ”
लगभग आधे घण्टे बाद पति महोदय एक कटोरे में आइसक्रीम और एक प्लेट में आमलेट लेकर हाजिर हुये। पत्नी यह देखते ही आग बबूला होते हुये चिल्लाई – ”तुमसे कहा था कि लिखकर ले जाओ वरना भूल जाओगे। बताओ मेरे आलू के परांठे कहां है ?”
From Daily Dirty
Everything In Heaven Is Free!
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship- style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
St. Peter replied, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
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Bending Your Boner!
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
“By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So”, says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”
“Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
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The Blonde The Indian!
An attractive Blonde, Kitty Mc Neill was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station, yelled one final, “Yahoo!” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.
“Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback!”
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