Indian Jokes (Who love Indian Jokes)
Wrong Way
Seventy-six year old Grace was watching TV at home late one afternoon.
Presently, the 5:00 news came on. The lead story was traffic mayhem on I-95 due to a car going down the highway the wrong way.
Grace suddenly realized her husband was traveling home on that very same highway. Concerned, she reached for the phone and called him on his cell.
“Harold,” she said when he answered. “Are you still on I-95?”
“I am,” Harold replied.
“Well then please be careful!” Grace said. “I just heard on the news that some maniac is going down the highway the wrong way!”
“One?” Harold replied. “Aw, heck, Grace, they’re ALL going the wrong way!”
Cross-Eyed Dog
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog’s cross-eyed,” the man says. “Is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes and ears and then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What?” The man was astonished. “Why? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No,” said the vet, “because he’s really heavy!”
Statue
An artist brought her lover home one afternoon. Amongst many statues, sculptures and paintings, she brought him into her bed and they spent the next few hours having a passionate roll in the hay.
As they were lying together in the afterglow, a car was heard pulling into the driveway.
“Oh no!” the woman exclaimed. “My husband’s home! I didn’t expect him home so early!”
She jumped out of bed and looked for a place for her lover to hide. The bathroom was too obvious, the closet was full of stuff and there were too many art projects under the bed to fit a person. She heard her husband come in the front door.
Suddenly she had an idea. “I know!” she said. “Wait here.” She ran into the bathroom, came back with a large bottle of baby powder and moved a few pieces of art to clear a space in the corner of the room. “Stand here,” she said. “Yes, like that. Now stand still.” She then proceeded to sprinkle baby powder all over him until he was completely white. “Now stay like that. You’re a statue, OK? Don’t move!” she said. He stood still.
Her husband came into the room. “Hi, Honey,” he said. They hugged. After some conversation, they too hopped into bed for more passionate lovemaking.
A couple hours later, she got up. “I’m going to start the wash in the basement, dear,” she said. “Bring the detergent down, will you?” She looked over in the corner. Her lover was still standing motionless.
She left. The husband brought the detergent down and then went to the kitchen and got a glass of ice water. He went back upstairs, walked around the room, stopped at the corner and studied the “statue.”
“Here,” he said as he offered the glass. “You must be dying of thirst.”
The man stood still for another moment and then decided to let his guard down and take the water. “Thanks,” he said.
“Sure thing,” the husband said. “I know firsthand what it’s like being secretly involved with an artist. Just last week I had to stand still for nearly three hours and nobody brought me anything!”
Mental Health Hotline
We recently placed a call to the Mental Health Hotline because one of our associates was feeling a little edgy. They really have covered all the bases. Here’s what we got:
“Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline….
If you are obsessive-compulsiv e, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. Remember, you are never alone!
If you are manic-depressive it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before the beep or during the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and have yourself a good cry. You won’t be crazy forever.”
Michael and his Roommate
One evening, Michael invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Michael’s female roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two of them and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was indeed more between them than just a roommate living situation.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, Michael volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates.”
Several days later, Joanne came to Michael and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
“Well,” said Michael, “I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote his mother a letter:
Dear Mom,
Thank you for coming to dinner last week.
It seems we are missing our silver gravy ladle.
I’m not saying you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Michael
A couple days later, Michael received a reply:
Dear Son,
Thank you for inviting me to dinner last week.
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Joanne, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom