Category: ( Joke)

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Best Friend (Joke)

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously
imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come
into the bar and sees him.

“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known
you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink
before. What’s going on?”

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the
man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.”

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,
smiles, and then slurs,

“No he is now!”

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Emergency service – joke

Emergency service


couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and callls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says, “Just take it easy. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “Okay, now what?”
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Facts of life

Facts of life


A married couple at the Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: ‘Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behaviour?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I’ll expose one of my breasts to it and see how horny it gets just as men do.’

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

‘See,’ says the woman, ‘Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can’t control their animal instincts just like gorillas can’t.’

Says Mark: ‘Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.’
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark: ‘This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum to it and let us see what  happens!’

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now, was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: ‘Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!’

Mark replies: ‘Now, tell him you have got a headache… and let’s see if gorillas and men are the same…’
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Parrot on the plane

Parrot on the plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”.

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Hurling downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”
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High Telephone Bill!

High Telephone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting…

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

House Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones…
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Clever Jury…

 Clever Jury…

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  “Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”  He looked
toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed.  Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation.  I, therefore, put it to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and
I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury retired to deliberate.  A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer.  “You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied:

“Yes, we did look, But your client didn’t.”

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Joke – Do you have the time?

Joke – Do you have the time?

A man has been driving all night. He decides to stop in the next town for a few hours and get some sleep.

As luck would have it, he pulls up by a park frequented by early morning joggers.

No sooner has he settled back to get some shut-eye when a jogger starts knocking on his window. ‘Excuse me, sir,’ says the jogger. ‘Do you have the time?’

The man looks at his car clock and says, ‘8.15.’ The jogger says his thanks and leaves.

The man settles back again, but just as he’s dozing off there’s another jogger knocking on the window. ‘Excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?’ asks the jogger.

‘8.25!’ snaps the man.

To prevent any more interruptions the man writes a note saying ‘I do not know the time!’ and sticks it to his window.

He settles back but is disturbed by yet another jogger knocking on the window. ‘Excuse me, sir,’ says the jogger. ‘It’s 8.35.’

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Joke of the Week (Gallery Sale)

Joke of the Week (Gallery Sale) An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. “Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.” “That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “The gentleman was your doctor.”

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Joke

Gauteng Metro policeman pulled Sipho’s car over and told him that because he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won R5 000, in an Arrive Alive safety competition.

Sipho could hardly believe his luck. ‘What are you going to do with your cash?’ asked the traffic cop.

‘Well I guess I’m going to get a drivers license,’ Sipho answered.

‘Oh, don’t listen to him,’ yelled Dipuo in the passenger seat. ‘He tries to be smart when he’s drunk.’

This woke up Rodger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, ‘I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.’

At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Zakes’ voice said, ‘Are we over the border yet?’

The cop fainted.