The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting…
Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
Maid: So Manje what is the problem? We all use our work telephones
A famous soccer player parked his brand new Porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop.
About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, “I just saw someone steal your sports car.”
“Did you try to stop him?” asked the soccer player.
“No,” said the blonde. “I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!”
Indian Premier League will kick off on April 18 in Bangalore with the match between Bangalore and Kolkata. Mumbai will host the semifinals and the final, which is scheduled for June 1.
April 18: Bangalore v Kolkata at Bangalore
April 19: Mohali v Chennai at Mohali and Delhi v Jaipur at Delhi
April 20: Mumbai v Bangalore at Mumbai; Kolkata v Hyderabad at Kolkata
April 21: Jaipur v Mohali at Jaipur
April 22: Hyderabad v Delhi at Hyderabad
April 23: Chennai v Mumbai at Chennai
April 24: Hyderabad v Jaipur at Hyderabad
April 25: Mohali v Mumbai at Mohali
April 26: Bangalore v Jaipur at Bangalore; Chennai v Kolkata at Chennai
April 27: Mumbai v Hyderabad at Mumbai; Mohali v Delhi at Mohali
April 28: Bangalore v Chennai at Bangalore
April 29: Kolkata v Mumbai at Kolkata
April 30: Delhi v Bangalore at Delhi.
May 1: Hyderabad v Mohali at Hyderabad; Jaipur v Kolkata at Jaipur
May 2: Chennai v Delhi at Chennai.
May 3: Hyderabad at Bangalore at Hyderabad; Mohali v Kolkata at Mohali
May 4: Mumbai v Delhi at Mumbai; Jaipur v Chennai at Jaipur
May 5: Bangalore v Mohali at Bangalore
May 6: Chennai v Hyderabad at Chennai
May 7: Mumbai v Jaipur at Mumbai
May 8: Delhi v Chennai at Delhi; Kolkata v Bangalore at Kolkata
May 9: Jaipur v Hyderabad at Jaipur
May 10: Bangalore v Mumbai at Bangalore; Chennai v Mohali at Chennai
May 11: Hyderabad v Kolkata at Hyderabad; Jaipur v Delhi at Jaipur
May 12: Mohali v Bangalore at Mohali
May 13: Kolkata v Delhi at Kolkata
May 14: Mumbai v Chennai at Mumbai; Mohali v Jaipur at Mohali
May 15: Delhi v Hyderabad at Delhi
May 16: Mumbai v Kolkata at Mumbai
May 17: Delhi v Mohali at Delhi; Jaipur v Bangalore at Jaipur
May 18: Hyderabad v Mumbai at Hyderabad; Kolkata v Chenna at Kolkata
May 19: Bangalore v Delhi at Bangalore
May 20: Kolkata v Jaipur at Kolkata
May 21: Mumbai v Mohali at Mumbai; Chennai v Bangalore at Chennai
May 22: Delhi v Kolkata at Delhi
May 23: Mohali v Hyderabad at Mohali.
May 24: Delhi v Mumbai at Delhi; Chennai v Jaipur at Chennai
May 25: Bangalore v Hyderabad at Bangalore; Kolkata v Mohali at Kolkata
May 26: Jaipur v Mumbai at Jaipur
May 27: Hyderabad v Chennai at Hyderabad
May 28 and 29: Rest days
May 30: First semi-final at Mumbai
May 31: Second semi-final at Mumbai
June 1: Final at Mumbai
IPL Teams Squads As Of Now, Will Update
Delhi
Virender Sehwag (icon),
Daniel Vettori (US$ 625,000),
Shoaib Malik (US$ 500,000),
Mohammad Asif (US$ 650,000),
AB de Villiers (US$ 300,000),
Dinesh Karthik (US$ 525,000),
Farveez Maharoof (US$ 225,000),
Tillakaratne Dilshan (US$ 250,000)
Kolkata
Sourav Ganguly (icon),
Ishant sharma (US$ 950,000)
Shoaib Akhtar (US$ 425,000),
Ricky Ponting (US$ 400,000),
Brendon McCullum (US$ 700,000),
Chris Gayle (US$ 800,000),
Ajit Agarkar (US$ 330,000),
Murali kartik (US $425,000)
Mohali
Yuvraj Singh (icon),
Mahela Jayawardene (US$ 475,000),
Kumar Sangakkara (US$ 700,000),
Brett Lee (US$ 900,000),
Sreesanth (US$ 625,000),
Irfan Pathan (US$ 925,000)
Piyush Chawla (US $400,000)
Hyderabad
Adam Gilchrist (US$ 700,000),
Andrew Symonds (US$ 1.35 million),
Herschelle Gibbs (US$ 575,000),
Shahid Afridi (US$ 675,000),
Scott Styris (US$ 175,000)
R P Singh (US $875,000)
Bangalore
Rahul Dravid (icon),
Anil Kumble (US$ 500,000),
Jacques Kallis (US$ 900,000),
Zaheer Khan (US$ 450,000),
Mark Boucher (US$ 450,000),
Cameron White (US$ 500,000),
Makhaya ntini (US$ 200,000),
Nathan bracken (US$ 325,000. )
Dale Steyn (US$ 325,000)
Mumbai
Sachin Tendulkar (icon),
Sanath Jayasuriya (US$ 975,000),
Harbhajan Singh (US$ 850,000),
Shaun Pollock (US$ 550,000),
Lasith malinga (US$ 350,000)
Dilhara fernando (US$ $150,000)
Chennai
MS Dhoni (US$ 1.5 million),
Muttiah Muralitharan (US$ 600,00),
Matthew Hayden (US$ 375,000),
Jacob Oram (US$ 675,000),
Stephen Fleming (US$ 350,000),
Parthiv Patel (US$ 325,000),
Joginder Sharma (US$ 225,000),
Albie Morkel (US$ 650,000)
Jaipur
Shane Warne (US$ 450,000),
Graeme Smith (US$ 475,000),
Younis Khan (US$ 225,000),
Kamran Akmal (US$ 150,000),
Munaf Patel (US$ 275,000)
Yusuf (US$ 475,000)
………
Regards
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,…. “Rest in Peace.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… ‘Congratulations on your new location!'”
Driving Styles …
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window .
– Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
– Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator…
– Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror
– New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
to talk to someone in back seat
– Italy
> One hand on horn,
> one hand on holding gear,
> one ear listening to loud music,
> one ear on cell phone,
> one foot on accelerator,
> one foot on clutch ,
> nothing on brake ,
> eyes on females in next car ,
> – Welcome to IND IA!
Om Jai Google Hare !!
Swami Jai Google hare
Programmers ke sankat, Developers ke Sankat,
Click main door kare!!
Om Jai Google Hare !!
Jo Dhyawe vo pawe,
Dukh bin se man ka, Swami dukh bin se man ka,
Homepage ki sampatti lawe, Homework ki sampatti karave
Kasht mite work ka,
Swami Om Jai Google hare!!
Tum puran search engine
Tum hi Internet yaami, Swami Tum hi Internet yaami
Par karo hamari Salari, Par karo hamari apprisal,
Tum dunia ke swami,
Swami Om Jai Google hare.
Tum information ke saagar,
Tum palan karta, swami Tum palan karta,
Main moorakh khalkamii, Main Searcher tum Server-ami
Tum karta dhartaa !!
Swami Om Jai Google hare!!
Din bandhu dukh harta,
Tum rakshak mere, Swami tum thakur mere,
Apni search dikhaao, sare reasearch karao
Site par khada mein tere,
Swami Om Jai Google hare!!
Google devta ki aarti Jo koi programmer gaawe,
Swami Jo koi bhi programmer gaawe,
Kehet SUN swami, MS Hari har swami,
Manwaanchhit fal paawe.
Swami Om Jai Google hare.Google Maharaj
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turned to the other and said: “Slim, I’m 83 years
old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my
age. How do you feel?”
Slim said, “I feel j ust like a newborn baby.”
“Really? Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Lufthansa Airlines
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the
captain:”Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have
lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean”.
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were
somewhat comforted by the captain’s next announcement.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an
emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that
all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the
swimmers are on the right side of the plane.
After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to
comply with the captain’s request.
Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The
captain once again made an announcement:
“Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the
swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and
quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… -Thank You for
Flying Lufthansa- “.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-
Delta Airlines
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system saying,
“We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41.”
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our
carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke “Thank You
for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.”
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-
British Airways
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London .
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the
Atlantic.”
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that
the port wing has fallen off.”
“If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean , you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me your
captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses”
My Wife is Missing!
A man calls into the police station and says, “My wife is missing.”
The officer asks, “How long has she been gone?”
“A month.”
“Why did you wait so long to report it?”
“Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear.”